Consent should matter in SL
Opal Velvet
Edit: to any Linden Lab staff reading this -- this post is a continuation of support ticket #2471863. You can go there to see more information.
I want to start off by saying that I am a very sex and kink positive person both in SL and RL. Sexuality can be explored in many ways and platforms, and I support any safe and healthy ways that adults wish to do so. I am not interested in having these things removed from SL, or in punishing others for seeking them out. My concern here is about consent, so I wanted to make sure to establish that arguing
against
the sexual side of SL, and arguing for
consent are two separate things.I've been in SL a long time, and some time ago, I think before COVID, things like nudity, fetishwear, sexual attachments, sexual animations and sounds, and other sexual or kinky things were usually confined to the appropriate places where everyone was able to consent. In sex-focused locations, kink regions with rules allowing for such things, and so on. These boundaries have since eroded, and for me and many other people I've spoken to, it has made it very difficult to exist in SL unless we completely seclude ourselves to desolate places. In popular shopping events, fantasy sims, performance/music events, art exhibitions, sandboxes, various G-rated sims, and beyond -- there has been an influx of people in various states of undress, with sexual attachments, doing sexual things in public and non-sexual spaces where no one is able to consent. I have been flashed, sexually harassed, had people touch me inappropriately without invitation (spanking, groping, etc.), and even had a friend of a friend a while back attempt to sexually assault me after my friends left the region, because the guy would not hear me saying no to his advances. I report people to region management and to LL when these things happen, but the behaviors do not stop. Sims and parcels rarely have easily visible rules against such behaviors, and even if they do have rules, they are often not enforced. Or if they are enforced at all, it isn't enough. The management struggle to handle the amount of reports coming in about the inappropriate behaviors in their spaces, so they often get frustrated and wind up doing nothing. And so the abuse continues.
Lately I have been looking for G-rated sims as a means to avoid these problems, but that isn't working. When I search for ONLY G-rated sims via the search function in-world, M and A sims also show up in the list, with very few actual G-rated sims visible. When I go to the few G-rated sims listed, there seems to be more nudity and sexual behaviors happening in those places than almost anywhere else. Female avatars with nipples/areola and/or genitalia visible, and/or male avatars with erections, people spanking eachother, dragging kink partners around on leashes in public, having sex, masturbating, saying gross things to me in my DMs, etc. I, many friends, and others I've spoken to are utterly exhausted. We don't know what to do or where to go in order to be social, to share our creations, to interact with other peoples' creations, or even to simply exist without having our consent routinely broken by people who face no consequences for their rapey actions. Things that would land people in prison IRL seem to be perfectly acceptable in SL now.
Being in the BDSM community for well over a decade now has taught me a lot about consent, and when it is or is not being given or respected. This issue in SL has become so pervasive that it has even affected the market for things like clothing. For womenswear, it has become increasingly difficult to find clothes that cover your nipples, genitalia, and butt completely. This massively over-sexualized world and community has become an ouroboros of abuse, lack of boundaries, and consent-breaking behaviors that is constantly reinforcing itself and telling everyone who tries to refuse it that they should just shut up and get over it. I don't want to do that, and I would like to have at least some nice spaces in SL that I and my friends can enjoy without being flashed, harassed, or assaulted.
I'm very much hoping that the folks at LL can help come up with something to deal with this problem that is affecting so many of us. Please help keep us safe from these abusive people who lack boundaries and do not care about consent. Direct them to the places they belong, educate them on consent, and help us find and maintain spaces where these behaviors are not tolerated. We don't want to take away from anyone's fun, we only want our consent to be respected. If we are not opting to seek out nudity and sexual activity, it should not be forced on us everywhere we go.
Thanks for taking the time to read my concern, and please let me know if you have any resources or advice to help me and others like me find places where we can feel safe without having to isolate ourselves.
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Rinaldo Debevec
Well, at least it's not as bad as it was during the early years of SL. When every moderate region was chock full of nothing but sex clubs, orgy rooms, casinos, blaring billboards advertising sex clubs and casinos. I miss the good old days :)
Wicked Nightfall
Linden Labs doesn't cafe - they care that they are getting paid. They have absolutely ZERO concern about our safety in game or real life. We do not matter to them. Our money matters to them. The abuse department is a joke and non-existent as anyone who has ever been harassed knows well.
Linden Labs will never hold anyone accountable for the rotten things they do as the Lindens are just as rotten.
Lindens need to sell SL to a capable company that cares about safety. Thousands of people have had real life scares due to the lax security on SL
I once owned land on a G rated region and my next door neighbor was a rape sim and abuse did nothing about it even with repeated reports - THEY DO NOT CARE.
Remember this is a company who had to think about securing the safety of children and wasn't immediate and took over 20 years for them to do anything real and it still isn't enough.
Faris Bloodrose
Second Life doesn't need more censorship; the platform is already bleeding users.
What you describe is the SL I have been experiencing since I joined in 2013. SL is inhabited by people from different cultures and backgrounds, so what you find inappropriate may not be for others. Each circle in SL has its own unwritten rules.
The only thing I agree with you on is that people may need to dress appropriately in G sims.
About being spanked and such... if you wear clickies, people will click. That's why those clickies have permissions, so only people you authorize can click, or simply remove them from your attachments when you travel around.
Also, you cannot get sexually assaulted in SL unless you leave your RLV attachments open for everyone, and still... compare pixel bumping with real SA... is quite the thing.
LL, no need to expend resources the platform needs everywhere else, to play as cops and protect your pixels. SL has the tools to prevent stuff. You can block, derender, set stuff to private etc...
Holocluck Henly
Faris Bloodrose SL is big enough that there are places for everyone without non-consensual invasion. And even a porn star wears clothes to visit 7-11 in real life. And by clothes I don't mean a teeny tiny little string slung through their bits with their pubis exposed.
That's NOT the majority and SL is NOT a porn site or Club Hedonism unless some people want their space to be.
Consent is a very real thing. You shouldn't have to have explicit content in your face if that's not why you've come to SL & haven't ventured into safe zones aka General and ground level plainly visible Moderate.
Just because we're over 18 doesn't mean we're here for that, or that all cultures appreciate it. For some it's harassment or brings up trauma. And you know full well many people come to SL for outreach and support, so don't play the alpha & tell them to leave. THAT would be what's chasing people out.
What I'd give to check out a mens shopping event for a tux or sneakers without these grotesque bulges out of Jr High School graffiti on badly proportioned guys that look like they desperately need to see a urologist. I'm sure this is a niche category.
If some people are repressed and feel the need to parade anywhere they please to get a rise at the cost of others, that's nonconsensual. I shouldn't have to be an SL Kid or a Dinkie to indicate I'm not here for that.
And if I choose to visit an adult region or a private moderate region with lax rules I do so consenting that I am aware of this and respect their thresholds.
And btw on Adult Zindra infohubs and Adult SLB exhibits you can promote your adult community for people to experience more, you can display tasteful nudes out of view from the road, and you can put out adult furniture on the condition that anyone using it is clothed and not wearing genitalia. The purpose is to promote where people can visit. Last SLB there was porn imagery in full view and LL turned a blind eye to ARs.
The less this goes on the less SL will be scrutinized as a cesspool by the media more of what it is: a place rich in culture and beauty for everyone to make their dream come true. Our world is in a funny place right now, with intolerance on the rise and even some states in the USA falling backwards with content restrictions. Let's not give them a reason so everyone can enjoy what they each like best about SL.
Faris Bloodrose
Holocluck Henly As I state, I agree we all have to dress properly, covered, and non-suggestive in G-rated areas.
But in the rest of SL areas, from Moderate to Adult, freedom exist, freedom is what makes SL what it is.
And I'm talking this as a person who does not indulge in sexual activities, my avatar looks even prude. But I am no one to police what others wear or not. I find some avatars distasteful and grotesque, but it's their freedom and what makes them happy, so no one needs or should tell them what to wear or not in Moderate or Adult areas.
Second Life is a place for open-minded people. And yes, porn actresses don't go shopping naked in RL, but hey, this is not RL, this is a place where everyone's virtual fantasies can be real. So if someone wants to go shopping with a bulge, well, let them be.
Idk, I've never felt sexually assaulted in my SL life. If someone offered me some activities, I kindly declined and was not a drama. And trust me, I have my traumas... but I am an adult and I deal with my own stuff. If something disgusts me, right click>derrender is a very viable option
Taima Fang
I agree, Linden Labs does slack on moderation as well as abuse reports. Unless of course you are minding your own business and someone files a false report that you are a hacker then they lock up your account only to charge an arm and a leg to get it back. In essence yes they slack hard on abuse. They don't check the regions that should be PG/Moderate for infractions. There is not a lot we can do in terms of safe guarding ourselves other then using the tools we have been given as well as dressing and removing anything that could become a problem for us if we want to avoid the sexual advances and so fourth. We are the ones that make a choice, we have the power. Can not go anywhere without someone jumping in your IM asking for sex. But being more strict on how PG/Moderate sims are kept is a step in the direction of helping us to maintain our cool and stress free SL. I think Linden Labs needs to see about having those sim owners be a bit more strict as well. Such as booting and banning sexual content including language from certain avatars. I know Big Daddy's Club actually boots people for swearing and being overly sexual in local chat. Bear in mind though no matter where you go people will jump into your IM's, so be ready with that block button Linden Labs gave us for our happiness to be full course in SL
Kestrel Liveoak
I’ve been in Second Life for over 20 years, and what we’re seeing now isn’t new. It’s cyclical.
In the early years, SL felt like the digital wild west. Expression was largely unrestrained, subcultures flourished openly, and many embraced the platform because it allowed forms of identity and exploration that weren’t possible elsewhere. The unspoken assumption often seemed to be that everyone welcomed that level of uninhibited expression.
Then the pendulum swung.
We saw periods of heightened enforcement. Public standards tightened. Region ratings were more actively policed. Landowners added restrictions to avoid reports or shutdowns. Enforcement could feel reactive, inconsistent, even overly strict. We’ve experienced both extremes.
The concurrent user base has also fluctuated. During COVID, logins rose sharply as people sought connection. It’s reasonable to assume growth metrics became a priority. Moderation priorities and growth priorities don’t always align — that tension isn’t unique to SL; it exists across online platforms.
On fashion: I’ve long joked about the “fabric shortage” in SL. That’s not new either. But it’s actually easier now to find well-made, more conservative fashion than it once was. Is it dominant? No. But virtual fashion follows demand. Trends are driven by sales.
As someone who prefers a moderate aesthetic, I layer creatively (BOM’s return helped immensely) and intentionally support designers who create what I want. Markets respond to purchasing behavior.
More importantly, SL already provides tools for personal boundaries:
– Derender avatars you don’t want to see.
– Limit messages to friends only.
– Mute or block individuals.
– Choose which venues to attend.
– Curate your social circle.
Yes, these require action. But they are real, functional options.
Second Life has always been about user agency. You can’t control what others create or display — but you can control your environment, participation, and response.
Cultural change on this platform has historically come through collective behavior, not demands alone. If a venue stays busy, that reflects community choice. If certain aesthetics are rewarded, they become normalized. If alternatives are supported, they grow.
Everyone decides where to spend time and money.
SL gives us the tools to define our boundaries. Using them is often more effective than waiting for someone else to redefine the platform for us.
Iskrin Nightfire
Kestrel Liveoak I love this response - everything I wanted to say and much more eloquent than I would have managed. Thank you.
Jonny Minotauris
I have to agree with you, especially about people wearing inappropriate things for G and even M rated sims. More and more i feel the need to speak to people about their clothing choices (or lack there of) when they are in a G or M sim. Just because the sim is rated M does not mean you should walk around sans clothing or with all your bits hanging out. I don't know if this is an education error when people first begin in sl or what. Personally, i always check that my clothing completely covers me and that nothing is switched on when it shouldn't be before i leave my home and go to Any sim, let alone to an G or M sim. Or really, any sim for that matter. One should never assume that just because a sim has a certain rating that it's clothing optional throughout the entire sim. That is just incredibly bad manners.
As far as things like spankers go, why are they touching another avatar to begin with. There is no way to know if a person is wearing one or many other things, with out touching people without their consent. I don't routinely take mine off as i honestly just don't remember, but if someone touches me inappropriately, and they have, i take them off immediately as well as all my other personal bits so i can continue what i'm doing in peace.
They shouldn't be touching other avatars to begin with, but i feel that with many people, especially newer people, they think of this as a computer game. They do not take into account the person behind the avatar. i routinely correct people who say that sl is a game. It might be to them, but to many people it's not, rather it is what it's name is, a second life with all that entails. I'm not certain what the answer is, but i do know that the current behavior is not it.
Ricky Flow
This is such an important read. Your point about the 'ouroboros' of abuse really resonates, and I think it connects to another frustrating trend. There's a subset of users who treat public spaces as their personal adult playground aesthetically. Walking around with spankers, leashes, and visible genitalia, but then cry foul the moment someone actually treats it like one and interacts with them without permission. They want the 'look at me' aspect of public kink without any of the social consequences or the responsibility of managing their own consent tools.
This is where the ouroboros feeds itself. Their behavior normalizes the presence of these items in G-rated spaces, which emboldens the actual harassers, while they themselves retreat behind a shield of outrage. The solution isn't just about reporting the bad actors; it's about a cultural shift where everyone takes responsibility for what they project into a shared space. If you don't want to be spanked in public, the first step is to not wear a spanker.
Spiffy Voxel
I completely understand your frustration. Unfortunately, what you've described is (in my opinion) the combination of lack of LL governance action in tackling abuse reports, lack of moderation at the region/parcel level, the marketplace deciding that Sex Sells, and a rising tide of new & returning people whose view of others and how to treat them has been, to put it bluntly, warped by Social Media and modern online culture. 🤷
I, too, was involved in D/s here for many years, on both sides of the slash, and even took some in-world courses at AMP. Unfortunately, I suspect that many today want the thrill of BDSM without the responsibility. 🙁 Or worse, use that term when they're really just here to control and abuse others for their own twisted amusement.
To their credit, Linden Lab
have
taken action to improve response times for abuse reports, though I fear a lot of damage has been done through allowing that backlog to grow in the first place. But that's about the only thing they have direct control over.They
could
mandate more moderation by region owners and staff, but those folks are human like the rest of us, and the lack of moderation may be down to RL health and other issues. (Particularly so since COVID showed up in 2020.)Opal Velvet
Spiffy Voxel I agree about the causes of this problem, and for why it continues, but I am not so ready to resign myself to the idea that there is nothing that can be done about it. A fish rots from the head down, as the saying goes.
I also stopped attending BDSM and kink places in SL for the same reasons. Some places used to be good about inclusion, and about maintaining safe boundaries, but pretty much all of them have become big problems in these departments, so I no longer go to any. I stick solely to RL kink communities now. Much more accountability and proper education about consent in those.
I hear you on region owners and staff being human and sometimes being ill, but that does not mean they should not have or enforce rules to keep people safe in their regions. If they are unable to find ways to keep people safe, if they do not care about people breaking consent and/or region rating rules, then I don't think sim/location ownership is for them. Just as I would not go to an RL location where no one is responsible for removing those who would behave badly, I have the same standard for SL locations, and I think others can have that standard too. It's okay to hold leadership to a higher standard than we have been since this issue began. Simply by commenting here and showing your concern about this issue, you are already helping.
Spiffy Voxel
Opal Velvet I've not investigated any of the kink places I used to visit in Second Life, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if a lot of folks who ran or helped out at those place are no longer in Second Life. 🙁
Opal Velvet
Spiffy Voxel of the places I used to frequent, I know several of the owners/management are still around and still running the same locations. They just don't really care about inclusion, or have a desire to stand up for those they claim to include, and don't have the same understanding of or concern for consent that RL communities do. So I stopped going. It was better once upon a time, but these spaces are no longer managed in a way that makes it possible for me to participate. This particular problem is not exclusive to SL though, I find all internet-based kink communities to be overrun with non-consensual behavior, and people who neither have nor respect boundaries. To your earlier point, this does speak to a lack of respect in online culture as a whole. This is one of many reasons I no longer participate in the majority of social media.
Resi Pfeffer
While i agree on your observations, i strongly dont think its LindenLabs task to take care of everything happening.
xDancingStarx Resident already made very good points. I just wanna add to them:
-If you get touched inappropiately, just take off your spankers, slappers, genital attachments. If thats too tedious, create an outfit only containing those addons, making it easy to attach and detach all at once.
-In case you get assaulted while you are AFK on adult furniture for one hour in a public place - dont AFK there.
-Hit up some furniture creators, or make a petition for making them finally install access/white lists into their furniture. Then you got your 0 second orb and the whitelist as a blocker for strangers getting too close. Or just get a script for.
-There is a ton of stores selling nothing but casual clothes, where not a single piece of skin is shown. Also the clothes "resellers" have a wide variety of stuff, from overly-slutty to absolutely modest clothes. Not gonna name any, because its not a forum or a marketplace here.
Opal Velvet
Resi Pfeffer the answer is a combination of LL, sim/parcel owners, and location moderators coming together to both establish and enforce rules. I do not place the responsibility solely on LL, but I would like to see them do more to help this situation.
To your points about how to address this stuff, you and Dancing have made a lot of assumptions about what I am and am not doing, so allow me to clarify:
- - I do not wear spankers, slappers, genital attachments, or anything else like that. People can do plenty of non-consensual things that don't involve those.
- - I do not go AFK on adult furniture or in sex-based locations. Again, people can still break consent without furniture being involved.
- - Furniture is not the issue, and I have contacted many creators asking for more coverage in clothing. Almost none have responded and made any clothes with regular coverage, nearly all were not interested.
- - There are not a ton of stores selling clothing with regular coverage, and I am not always (in fact, not usually) seeking casual clothes. And to be clear, casual does not mean full coverage, it is more of a style than a silhouette. Have you been to any shopping events lately? Nearly everything in womenswear is revealing. I have made a list of places that I like to go to to find clothes that suit my tastes, but that list is surprisingly short. I do a lot of work pretty often to find more, but there really isn't that much in comparison to the sexualized/revealing clothing market.
I understand that the concerns I've raised in my post are not concerns you share, but your bad faith interpretations of them are not helping. If this cause does not resonate with you, if you do not agree and you feel the need to comment, please be kind. We're talking about sexual harassment and assault here. This is a sensitive topic for many, myself included, and we do not need to make things worse.
Naroc Resident
Opal Velvet so the none consentual spanking is gestures and text then? because if that is the case then i remind that block/mute exists, teleporting away exists and exiting SL also exists, you have three methods to protect and remove yourself from an situation you dislike, you can also report people LL already complies with their legal obligations and has clear policies and codes of conducts in place, now in regards to sim owners and managers not doing anything, simple if they refuse to enforce SL/LL policy and codes of conduct report them and the sim as well as the person breaking the rules, there is one thing sim owners fear more than anything and that is having their sims removed, if the sim is rented from an esate agent contant the estate agency, having worked for one they usually have a zero tolorence policy towards people who rent sims from them breaking rules as it risks the estate agents getting flack from linden labs as well and losing the sim which is a serious hit to revenue.
Caelan Whimsy
I know I'm late to this conversation, but I am SO sick of how sexual SL has become. I play a child avatar and it feels like I can't go anywhere anymore without seeing underwear and barely-there clothing, on men too but mostly on women. Even on G-rated sims it's bad, unless it's a family RP community with an active moderation team. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to log in anymore. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has noticed SL getting sluttier and sluttier. If people want to do that kind of thing on M and A rated sims, go for it, you do you. But I don't want to see it when I'm out looking for kids' clothes or at a G-rated playground.
Opal Velvet
Caelan Whimsy I totally understand. It's insane the things people will wear and do on the same sims as kid avatars.
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